Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.