Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

they really do be looking like this

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away