@marcusparkersol

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

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@ohpeetie

My hobbies include reading books, eating snacks, and sending emails referencing attachments without the attachments.

@wildrainbow2

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

@mewritesgood

I set my kid’s dollhouse on fire then asked:

DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?!
DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?!
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!

Life lessons

@karanbirtinna

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

@batkaren

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

@Bandersnaaatch

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

@sofarrsogud

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

@daplusk

Whenever someone hugs me, I close my eyes and pretend they’re a donut

@Mechaniz10

She yelled another guy’s name in bed then we looked at each other. Then she finally yelled April Fool’s! Then we laughed & laughed.

She’s such a kidder..

@Monathais

Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo…I can’t believe it’s working!