Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

This one, by a wide margin

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

Somewhere in an alternate universe

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door