[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
You Might Also Like
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work