[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
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My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.