[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
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:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.