Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.