Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
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Thank you 🥹
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge