Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
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*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My work here is don’t.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.