USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years