Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

I mean…but I did

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy