USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
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God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.