USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
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Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day