If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
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Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I only speak Spanish when bill collectors call
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Dentistry is the perfect profession for people who like to talk but don’t want a response
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..
That’s how the fight started
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
maybe amazon should keep their opinions to themselves
4 *looking through album*: mama you’re so big!
Me: I’m pregnant with you in my belly
4: poor mama, you look like Augustus Gloop
Me: I regret reading to you