@perlhack

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

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@MandiAtRandom

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

@PresTightrhymes

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

@pumpkin_horse

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

@Parker_Simpson

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@Lexactly

Dentistry is the perfect profession for people who like to talk but don’t want a response

@lucky_300

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

@JannaKillHimNik

4 *looking through album*: mama you’re so big!

Me: I’m pregnant with you in my belly

4: poor mama, you look like Augustus Gloop

Me: I regret reading to you