Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.