Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

everyone has that one prude friend

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations