Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

SPLOOT

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

Breakfast for Stoners:

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!