[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
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When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
why isn’t he texting back
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”