Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
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When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Love it! 👍😂
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.