Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
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That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
serving silly goose instead of turkey
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.