Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
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My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me