Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.