Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”