Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to