Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers