Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Nigella has gone too far this time.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

you’re not fooling anyone

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.