Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
You Might Also Like
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.