Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

If you’re not personally the cause of at least 3 rules in the group DM, are you even participating.

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

decorating my apartment

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.