Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
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Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.