Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Saturday

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.