Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
You Might Also Like
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I put the I in Insufferable.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Would you wear it?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla