Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.