Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing