Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

ㅤ

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.