Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

‘I know a black person’

– White people

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.