Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Cardio Made Easy

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

Alexa: *deep breath*

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.