Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
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You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.