Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
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Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.