Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

January is lasting longer than my marriage

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that