V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Day 2 of my diet
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Found the job I’m suited for
Happy birthday to all the women
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
