V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Is this a threat?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I did not eat the cake…
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
