Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

why I oughta

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

Not😆🤣