Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
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Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar