Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
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Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
peeping toms
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.