Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
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I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption