Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

Yes, but it was never about money

Watson was Holmes schooled

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

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The Chosen Phew

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE