Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
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If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”