vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
