vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
It’s a gift
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”