Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
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Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring