Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.