Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

he’s sick of your bullshit today

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.