Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

another case of gang violins

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.