Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SF is the wild wild west man

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”