Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
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Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”