Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

Don’t frighten the programmers!