Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
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Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.