Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread