vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
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i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free