vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
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Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who