Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

This week’s mood.

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.