Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

certified hallow’s eve classic

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

Got a light

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.