[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
You deplete me
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.