[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%