[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
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Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.