So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
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Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
is this meant to deter me
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My whole life was a lie.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.