Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

There’s never enough good news

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

A double negative is a big no-no.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

May your day taste like creamy soup.