Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

Seems legit

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.