@TankCesar

Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.

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@Gupton68

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

@QwertyJones3

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

@RandomManik

Yes, I have read ‘Game Of Thrones’.
No, It is not any different from the show.

-Me, after watching Game of Thrones with subtitles.

@freshhel

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

@pittdave13

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

@JasonLastname

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

@msgwenl

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

@esc_key

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

@Mom_Overboard

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.