Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH