Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”