*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Pat is about to own someone
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.