*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
zone out
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour