Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.