Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

my dog when i have a friend over

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

Not even remotely sorry.

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*